‘Before I Turn into a Pumpkin’ displays my exasperating experience in going through adult on-set epilepsy and now “celebrating” my first year since my DBS brain surgery. I wanted this to allow me to be my old self, but there is no going back, for better or worse. 

I was a socialite before my epilepsy! I was everywhere all the time! I lived hard and fast. Even when my epilepsy came on, I tried to push through it, still going to concerts, shows, working full time, hiking and practicing Ashtanga yoga; doing inversions and, what now seems like circus tricks. 

I see my privilege in having lived a “normal life” up until I was 26. Then came all the regular challenges of trying to hold down a job, act “normal,” respond to stress “normally,” and not have seizures at work or in other unfortunate situations. 

I felt that this brain surgery would be the beginning of the end of my epilepsy! I wanted it to just magically be over. But it’s not. I have new challenges, symptoms, issues, meds, PTSD, and a heart condition now. My faith has expended, but the magic has not. 

Now, I want to be home before 8pm every night. I have to be gentle with myself, and respect my energy. I need 12-15 hours of sleep each night, and I can never overbook myself. I am easily stressed and just have to cancel plans at any time to just hunker down. I have to be sure to conserve my energy and do only what I know that I can handle; hourly, daily, weekly… Before I Turn into a Pumpkin.